A teacher at Xavier was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."  

An 80-year-old member of our association (name withheld) went to his Chelsea doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he's feeling. Our  80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" Our 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

One of our members took his young blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl on Sunday. They had great seats right behind the Philadelphia Eagles bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." 
Dumbfounded, our member asked,  "What do you mean?" "Well,” she said, “I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR !!

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute." "Thank you" the blonde says and hangs up.

Two Hispanic detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water... and then you dump the stock.

In a new sex study it has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Phil Blair has been sitting at the Melody Lounge bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Joe D.: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Okie: "Really?"
Joe D.: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A woman's perfect breakfast: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl… and her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Eddie Upton is recovering from triple by-pass surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!  That's against the law!  I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!  Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Things to ponder:

1. Why does the gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your butt?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

13. What do people in China call their good plates?

14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

17. What do you call male ballerinas?

18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

20. Why is a person that handles your money called a Broker?

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

22. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

23. If a man is talking in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

29. Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in St. Veronica's Church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

30. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

31. A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.   "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

32. A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,  “Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, "I left early to go shopping-- Love you." He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night." Jack's son answers, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door!" Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean; I have a red rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud - $3.00
Two Aspirins - $0.38
Saying the right thing at the right time… Priceless

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Carol opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Carol smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below. Quickly, she wrote,  "Don't despair. Sister Carol," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Carol was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word,  he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.  "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."